As I Sit Back.

By Lusanda · Apr 5, 2022
As I Sit Back. picture

So, I turn thirty in less than 24 hours. I have so many emotions going through my mind at the moment as I am trying to get myself ready for the next chapter of my life, the next decade that I will be embarking on. I am looking back at my 20s trying to remember anything and everything that happened in the past 10 years which has molded me into the woman that I will be stepping into in my thirties. 


As I sit back and think of my 20s, I travel back to my teen years, in High School, when I believed that I can do anything that I set my mind to, when I knew that not even the sky is the limit for my dreams because my family has provided all the necessary tools for me to use to take over from where they left off and proceed with reaching higher milestones. I think of how I thought I would be finishing my degree at 23, buying a car at 24, getting a house at 26, and getting married at 30 lol. I think it’s safe to say that the Universe was laughing at me when my friends and I were having such conversations, however, I did achieve two of the 4 things on my list before the age of thirty so that’s still something to marvel about right….


I sit back and think of the happy girl I was, very inquisitive to know about what was happening in and around the world, curious about traveling and seeing different places, wanting to further my studies in different courses to broaden my knowledge, ambitious and always lived on the positive side of life. I left home at the age of 17 and went to study in a different City (Cape Town), At the age of 22, I completed my degree and moved to another City (Pretoria) now I’m ushering into my 30’s and I have moved to a different city (Johannesburg). I cannot help but be interested in what the next decade has in store for me and where in the world it will lead me next. 


I sit back with a heart filled with satisfaction. I did everything that I said I would do in my 20s, the things I had control of. I even exceeded my expectations in the progress that I made. I believe that I used my 20s as a time to explore, experiment, and get to know myself more while I still had my eye on the ball. I went wild in my early twenties, partied, traveled, experimented with alcohol and tested my limits, experimented with boys, had a large circle of friends, and did ME for the most part. Mid-twenties, I started being calmer, a bit balanced, and having an idea of the life that I  wanted and began to think of what I needed to do to make sure that I obtain it. There were fewer parties now, I was indoors more and busy with my books. Moving to a different city where you don’t know anyone also had an impact on how my mindset had changed because I was now in my dream Province where I initially wanted to go at the age of 17 but because my parents thought I was too young to go to such a big Province so far away from home, they decided to let me go do my thing but be closer to my sisters, Cape Town is also far away from home but all my big sisters were there. So here I was in this Province where I knew that I will definitely get what I am looking for and more so I had to get my ducks in a row sooner than later while enjoying every moment it came with. 


I sit back and marvel at my strength, at how I didn’t give up when the going got tough but rather had inner conversations with myself to keep moving at whatever cost. I brag to myself about myself how I have stood up for myself at every injustice that I felt was done to me no matter how much my voice shook, no matter how much my opinions would make me the least likable in the room, or lost opportunities that came with it. I am proud that I was able to speak up in rooms where most people shrink when they enter into. I am proud of being bold enough to take risks even though at times I’d be left with egg on my face. I’d still pick myself up and keep it moving. At times we always focus on what we don’t have currently or what we’d like to achieve but didn’t and hardly take the time to focus on how much we have grown into different versions of ourselves, hence we always feel complacent with our lives because we never take the time access and introspect on how far we have come and the challenges we’ve had to overcome. 


I sit back and think of how much I have lost, the friends I loved wholeheartedly but had to let go of because of the person I wanted to become, family members that I have decided to cut off because of the level of toxicity that I would not tolerate in my life and all the sleepless nights I had crying my eyes out because things were not coming along according to plan or I just felt like a complete failure. I think of my mother's passing which almost paralyzed me and how I had to get myself out of that dark place. I think my best friend that I lost due to the pandemic and how I miss her every day but have to navigate life without her. I think of other family members that were dear to me but God and the Universe had other plans for them. When I think of all those losses, I cannot help but appreciate the people that I currently have in my life at the moment. 


I sit back and notice how intentional I have been in my late 20s as I began discovering myself more, intentional in every decision that I make and every action that I chose to take. I marvel at how much I have listened to my instincts and how much that has played in my favor. I look at my son and beam with pride because of the gentleman that he is growing up to be and knowing that I am responsible for grooming him into that. I look at the relationships that I have formed and maintained and believe that all these people that I have in my life at the moment are the ones that will play a role in assisting me in this journey of becoming the best version of myself. I look at my partner and my heart skips a beat as he still is a consistent man in making me happy and ensuring that I tick most of my boxes. I look at my sisters and thank God for gifting me with such humans as I am never lacking in anything in my life. They have my best interest in their hearts and are not shy of calling me to order when they feel like I am stepping out of line. 


I sit back and think that the last thing I would want would be to mislead anyone into thinking that my 20s were a walk in the park. That is far from the truth, however, all I am saying is I am proud of overcoming everything that was made to destroy me. I am not even near where I have intended myself to be in this life but instead of looking at the negatives, I choose to look at things that will be beneficial to my state of mind as I am embarking on a new decade that will have its own challenges that I will need to overcome. I cannot step into the next chapter of my life still holding on to things from the past that will be detrimental to my progress. 


So, as I sit back in this chair, my heart is filled with gratitude for being healthy, happy, surrounded by people who love and support me, and for the gift of life. I do not know what the next decade has in store for me but I am ready. I am ready for it all….. I made the most of my 20s and enjoyed everything. This chapter is for going after my goals relentlessly, having more fun, traveling, and spending more time with my family and friends. It’s been one hell of a rollercoaster ride but I made it to the end of the tunnel of my 20s. To many more my girl!!!!!!

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